Dear confused fitness enthusiast,
I know there’s a LOT of conflicting information out there on fitness, and you want to know how to get healthy.
Luckily, that’s why I’m here: to make sure you do everything properly and achieve MAXIMUM EXTREME RESULTS. I’ve been around the block a time or two, and have bought every fitness product and program imaginable. So…I’m kind of an expert at this stuff.
Here’s the double secret formula to losing weight and getting healthy.
Gear
First and foremost, you need to have the right gear. If you don’t have the best stuff, then you’re never going to get results. What’s that you say? You don’t have butt-toning shoes? Don’t listen to those fools that say you can workout in anything, if your shoes don’t cost as much as an iPad mini, then you’re wasting your time.
Next, you should probably get some thigh shaping spandex, preferably leopard print – they’ll help target the fat on your legs for maximum burn, minimizing the amount of work you need to do!
Don’t worry, we won’t be breaking a sweat, so you don’t have to worry about looking really good all of the time.
Sweating is for suckers.
Equipment
Great, you’re now looking the part. It’s time to start working out. Right? WRONG!
You need to get the right equipment or you’d be better off just sitting down and giving up. I’m going to list the equipment by most important:
Some sort of ab machine – I don’t care if you pick the Ab Coaster, Ab Roller, Ab Chair, Hawaii Chair, or Ab Rocket – pretty much anything with “ab” in its title. Simply crank out a few reps while eating donuts and that stubborn belly fat just melts away!
Too much work for you? That’s fine! Get yourself an Flex belt – it’s like an electric chair for your stomach. Nothing could go wrong there. Or these weight loss wraps. That’s right, through magic, you just wrap yourself up and lose weight!
Okay that should take care of that stubborn belly fat…
Then, you should buy at least three Shake Weights – If you’re a lady, then you probably want toned arms. Shaking a weight (in pink!) for ten minutes a day should be enough to produce results to make that wench Bethany down the street jealous. Take that Bethany!
Next, get an expensive nautilus-type machine with 562 moving parts – This is fantastic: it practically does all of the work for you! The more money you spend, the better! You simply sit down and swing your arms and legs – BAM! You’ll look like Arnold.
Under NO circumstances should you pick up a free weight. They’re heavy, and REALLY difficult to pick up sometimes. Not cool.
Last but not least, get yourself this revolutionary treadmill that simulates walking…up a hill. GOOD LUCK finding a place to do THAT in reality. What do you think this is, Imaginationland?
Now, you’ll need to take out a second mortgage to buy all of this equipment, but that’s okay – I know a GREAT refinance guy.
Workout
Okay so now that you have all of this equipment, it’s time to sign up for the most expensive gym membership you can find – preferably one with lots of machines. If it has free weights, try to avoid it – you might have to deal with people lifting things up and putting them down. No thank you!
Next, I want you to sign up for EVERY class they have in that gym – jazzersize, boxersize, supersize, Sweatin’ to the oldies, Dub-steppin’ to the newies, and so on. The more classes you can sign up for, the better. Don’t worry, you’ll only be attending each class once…and never going back.
If you’re a lady, avoid the free weights like the plague. Everybody knows that lifting weights will turn you into a bulky monster. If you MUST pick up a dumbbell, grab the little pink ones, and do as many reps as possible. I’m talking 50-60 reps per exercise. If you can’t do that many, get a lighter weight.
DO NOT PICK UP A WEIGHT HEAVIER THAN 3 POUNDS, EVER!
Unfortunately, this also includes things like groceries, the laundry, a backpack, your children, a laptop, etc.
On second thought, just stay away from the free weights all together – that’s no place for a lady.
And last but not least – you should be changing your workout every four hours. This way your muscles are always confused and have no clue WTF is going on. If you stick with a workout routine for longer than four hours, seek immediate medical attention.
Speaking of which, the more confusing, convoluted and complicated you can make your workout, the better. Like, I’m talking “need a degree in rocket science to understand” complicated.
For example, I’m currently doing a 28-day workout split.
Tomorrow is “left glute” day.
Diet
I left this for last because it’s by far the least important thing on your list.
For starters, don’t bother changing what you eat or how much (hopefully your gym is supplying you with pizza and bagels). We’re just gonna pump you full of pills and shakes instead! March on down to your nearest GNC and tear through that place like a Toys R’ Us kid on a 5-minute shopping spree.
I love to just hold my arm up and run forward, knocking everything on the shelves into the cart. Diet pills? Fantastic. Fat burner shakes? DOUBLE UP. Muscle building powder? You bet your ass! Dragon blood? Unicorn tails?
Get. It. All.
The more expensive the supplement, the more effective it’ll be.
After that, we’re off to the grocery store! Quickly bypass the fruits and vegetables, and skip anything not labeled as ‘low-fat!’ Definitely head straight to the frozen food section – check out all of those low fat “healthy meals.” BOOO FAT! Disregard the 50 unpronounceable ingredients in your healthy “17 cheese lasagna.” It says it’s healthy on the box.
Now, as you make your away around the grocery store, grab yourself some low-fat ice cream, low-fat bagels, low-fat bread, low-fat OREOS, low-fat fried dough, and everything else that is low fat. Trust me on this one, it’s low fat, so it’s healthy.
If you don’t want to go shopping, no problem! Drive on over to Taco Bell, and grab yourself a taco salad. Of course it’s healthy, it’s a salad isn’t it?. This also works for other healthy items like macaroni salad, potato salad, pasta salad, and ‘deep fried ball of lard’ salad.
And last but not least, wash it all down with a 32 oz. Gatorade. That’s hundreds of calories important nutrients and 56 grams of sugar awesome!
What would you add?
With these 47 easy steps, you should be well on your path to getting healthy!
What’s that you say?
You still have money left over?
BUT WAIT! There’s more!
I actually have a super secret SPECIAL product that will guarantee results.
You won’t have to change your diet, you won’t have to work out, and it only takes 5 minutes, three times a year! For just eighteen payments of $19.99, and one payment in wampum, I’ll sell you my patented system for effortless weightloss!
But only if you call right now – supplies are limited! Operators are standing by (to take your money).
Your concerned friend,
Steve
What sort of other GREAT (wink wink) advice would you give to our fitness enthusiast here?
Leave a comment that makes us laugh the most, and I’ll send you a free NF shirt (grey or superhero) – submit your comment before 11:59pm on Sunday, Feb. 3rd!
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photo sources: glutes, sketchers shoes, shake weight, jazzersize, donuts, yellow dumbbell
