For most of my young life, I thought therapy was ONLY for people who were “broken.”
I saw asking for help as a sign of weakness.
In my early 20s, fortunately, things changed. I was struggling with some specific thoughts that I couldn’t shake even though logically I knew they made no sense. I was talking with my friend Lindsay, and our short conversation changed my life:
Lindsay: “Steve, you go to the gym, right? Why?”
Me: “Yeah, to get stronger. I feel better about every aspect of my life after!”
Lindsay: “Right. Healthy and strong people go to the gym to improve themselves. Mentally healthy people can go to therapy too, to work on their brains. That’s not a flaw or weakness either.”
Me: “OHHHHHHHHHH!”
Thanks to that conversation, I gave myself permission to see therapy as a sign of maturity, not a sign of weakness. I mustered up the courage to call my insurance company and ask if they covered mental health: they did!
To say therapy has been helpful is an understatement.
I’m generally an optimistic, happy person, but I also feel deeply and am no stranger to struggle. Between starting and running a business, being single, dating, getting married, impostor syndrome, conflict avoidance, and spending three decades cramming my emotions down deep…
Having a neutral third party to help me process my ongoing inner thoughts has been a game-changer.
Which makes sense right?
- I have an online trainer to help me get stronger.
- I have a swing coach to help me get better at golf.
- I have a teacher to help me suck less at the violin.
Why wouldn’t I have somebody to help me work on my brain and thoughts too? Duh.
Over the past 20 years, I’ve relocated 16 times, lived in 10 different states/countries, and worked with half a dozen therapists.
I’ve had some great therapists and I’ve also had some therapists that weren’t a good fit. That’s just part of the process.
There was one particular therapist who was on the woo-woo side of things (not that there’s anything wrong with that!). I immediately realized he wasn’t the right fit for my brain and personality.
No problem, right? Except that I’m a conflict-avoidant people-pleaser. Which means I struggle to set boundaries and speak my mind. I also don’t like it when people don’t like me.
Which is tough when my job is to share my opinions online, where people can be cruel!
So, I went to yet another session with this therapist because I didn’t want to be mean, before finally admitting “This isn’t a good match.” Unsurprisingly, the world didn’t burn down. Life moved on!
I’m working through being a people-pleaser with my current therapist, Dr. Chris. Speaking of which, here’s how I found Chris:
I went to my online insurance portal and typed “cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)” into the “care” box. I’ve found that CBT works best for my brain.
I then wrote down a list of 5 therapists in my area who also happen to work through Zoom. I looked up their bios, set up calls with 3 of them, and scheduled simultaneous appointments.
Chris is the therapist I clicked with the most.
It’s been 2+ years now and I still haven’t met Chris in person yet. But we speak every other week! I pay a copay for each session and it’s the best investment I make in myself.
The toughest part about therapy, especially if you’ve never been, is getting to that first conversation that digs under the surface. To get there, you might need to speak with 5 different therapists. You might need to try multiple sessions, with multiple therapists, simultaneously!
And even then, you still need the courage to open up about what’s REALLY going on in your life.
But man, once you open that floodgate, amazing things can happen.
Well okay, there are also plenty of tears and sadness and anger and frustration, because it’s often processing unresolved trauma from decades in the past. But this stuff needs to be addressed instead of bottled up, or it ends up getting taken out on your spouse or kids or strangers or yourself.
Remember, we’re trapped IN Pandora’s Box, so we must open it to make progress.
If you’ve ever considered therapy, I hope this can be the “nudge out of the door” you need to make a phone call, sign into your insurance, or speak with somebody about it.
My life, relationship with others, and relationship with myself all dramatically improved thanks to therapy.
It might do the same for you, so I hope you’re in a position to consider it!
-Steve
