Happy Halloween!
In honor of All Hallows’ Eve, I wanted to cover a specific topic today: what you should do if you happen to find yourself suddenly stuck in a horror film. It’s a very real fear many of us have, and you never know when you could end up:
- At a cabin in the woods
- In possession of a demonic device capable of raising the dead
- Stranded at a hotel for the winter
- Chased by zombies during the apocalypse
In each of these situations, your chances of survival aren’t great. Fortunately for you, I’ve put together a handy dandy “survival guide” in case you wake up suddenly stuck in a horror film.
The best part? Nerd Fitness has been preparing you for this role for years! I’m here to make sure I can help you get from the opening high pitched noise all the way to the end credits.
On top of that, each and every one of these tips applies to both emergency horror survival, as well as every day fitness. What a coincidence.
Let’s get you to that sequel.
Don’t Split Up. Ever.
First and foremost, never leave your wingmen.
“Duh Steve, I know this. I’m not an IDIOT.”
Of course you’re not an idiot – you’re reading Nerd Fitness, which makes you ridiculously smart and good looking.
So, although this is a rule of the Rebellion, it needs repeating here. So, when your quirky friend Bernard suggests that you all split up to find help, feel free to slap him in the mouth.
Monsters, murderers, and creeps wait for you to split up, for they are students of the latin phrase “Divide et impera” (Divide and conquer).
In health and fitness, trying to go it alone makes the battle for weight loss success more challenging, which is why you need to build a quality support team.
In a horror film, trying to go it alone will almost guarantee you get picked off first, or turned into a zombie, or sacrificed. Nobody remembers the person who dies first in a movie. They are “that guy” or “that girl.” You get minimal screen time, plus you’re dead. Which is also a negative.
Note: If your jock friend Tommy, captain of the football, wrestling, basketball, baseball, and rugby team says “we should split up…” – let him go. The rest of you can stick together. Don’t let him bring Tammy though! By the end of the movie when you’re saving her life, she’ll fall for you. You just have to make it that far!
Get good at sprinting
I’m not quite sure why, but most monsters and horror movie bad guys are slow.
Like, really really effing slow.
Like, when you take off running, they keep walking after you…and walking…and walking.
Which means you can get away quite easily provided two things:
- You can sprint faster than they can walk.
- You don’t trip over something and then sit on the ground like a moron.
If you can sprint away faster than they can walk, then whenever you spot the bad guy, instead of standing there and screaming…start running as fast as you can. Be sure to watch where your feet go. Simply maintaining a brisk walking pace after that should be more than enough to allow you to get to safety!
So, for this reason, spend time leveling up your sprinting skills. Not only will it allow you to get to safety, but it also has a crazy amount of other health benefits too:
- Sprinting builds strength and power
- Sprinting can increase your VO2max, which also increases your endurance.
- Sprinting can help you lose weight when paired with a healthy diet.
When you sprint, everything in life gets better. Plus, sprinting in a movie means you will also live longer.
We’ve already covered walking extensively here, but it’s worth noting that being a great walker would also qualify you for a starring role as a monster, should you get converted halfway through the film (which keeps you on screen!).
Note: some movie zombies these days have developed incredible speed, which is why the sprinting skill is far more important than just “cardio.” Sorry Zombieland! Just in case, I’ve got you covered there too.
One final tip: look forward when you run. It’s safe to assume that they are chasing you, so looking backwards will only lead to you running into a wall, tripping over a root, or running the wrong direction. Run like hell and don’t look back.
Brains, technique, and strength
The big dumb jock never survives in a horror film.
More often than not, the waifish cheerleader never survives either.
So don’t worry about becoming the big dumb jock or the waifish cheerleader.
You know who DOES survive?
- The smart guy who outsmarts the monster, who utilizes the tools and skills he has to save the day.
- The Buffy the vampire slayer type character, who’s not afraid to strength train, and isn’t concerned that she’s the “weird one.”
The pretty boy jock only works out his glamour muscles, and will struggle when he has to do anything functional (you know, like slicing up a zombie army). He’ll get overly cocky and try to go it alone with brute force, when a more cerebral approach would have worked.
The waifish cheerleader? She’s spent so much time dieting and looking in the mirror that she’s more like an ornament: Sure, she’s decorative, but not very functional. She can’t defend herself because she spent too much time worrying about what other people think of her,
So, take a tactical approach to both your training and your behavior during the end of days:
- Train functionally so that your body is prepared to function. Body weight exercises and free weights will put you in the best shape of your life and best chance for survival.
- Use your environment. Just as you can train using a park or playground, so too can you stay alive using your environment.
- Don’t stop using your brains. Just like you outsmarted “conventional” thinking with your training before the Apocalypse, outsmart the “conventional” baddies at the end of days too. Running into a cabin with no exit strategy is dumb. Climbing to the top floor of a building with no way down is dumb. Training without any semblance of a plan is also dumb. You’re the smart one in and out of the movie; use your brain properly!
It’s probably too good to be true.
Monsters can be deceptive.
They’re oftentimes disguised as beautiful women or ridiculously good looking dudes. They might be dead or undead. Or wearing a killer disguise.
They’ll ask you to follow them down a dark alley, to drink some potion they’ve created, or to follow them into the bedroom for a gratuitous, misplaced, comically bad sex scene.
If it sounds too good to be true, it’s not true:
- When trying to get healthy, it’s important to remain a skeptic.
- When trying to survive a horror film, it’s important to remain a skeptic.
Don’t chase the cheap thrill. Don’t chase the cheap and easy victory. Those people who say “but this way is faster!” end up getting their heads cut off. Those people who say, “but this pill will solve my problems” end up getting absolutely nowhere.
So stop falling for crap you KNOW you shouldn’t fall for. You are smart. You’re reading Nerd Fitness, which means you also understand how logic and the Force work. Whether an an exercise is feeling a bit off or your buddy wants to take that shortcut, go with your gut; if it doesn’t feel right and seems too good to be true, then you probably shouldn’t do it.
Complaining will get you nowhere.
There’s nothing more annoying than somebody in a horror movie who gets hit with a setback and their only response is to sit down, cry, and give up.
Here’s the truth: both in life, and in Halloween: Resurrection, shit happens.
You’re gonna think things are getting better, only to find out that the bad guy ISN’T DEAD. Somehow. After 15 sequels. Or you’re going to trip over a tree root or round a corner and run into even more trouble. Again.
If your first instinct is to scream at the top of your lungs (thus alerting said monsters to your attention), or to panic and FREAK out like JoJo the Indian Circus boy, you’re going to die. Real fast.
So stop complaining and suck it up.
Okay fine, it’s the end of the world. All of your friends have been wiped out by a killer plague that’s taking over the planet.
Yup, it sucks. You know what sucks even more than that? Dying because you complained too much.
So, although the end of days might not be your fault (UNLESS YOU READ THAT ANCIENT BOOK YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE!), it’s your responsibility to fix it.
So stop thinking so negatively, and think on the bright side: you woke up today! Things will get better.
And when you deal with setbacks (say, your friend just turned into a zombie), give yourself 2 seconds to panic, and then immediately put steps in place to fix it.
Finish the Job!
Nothing drives me more crazy than watching somebody knock out a bad guy and then immediately run away.
Hmmm, do you think MAYBE HE’S NOT DEAD YET?
You’ve already done all the hard work! You’ve successfully incapacitate him/her/it. Want to know the worst thing you can do at this point? Give up and let them recover.
Monsters are clumsy as hell. They don’t have matrix like kung fu skills. What they lack in skill they make up for in unbridled rage and persistence. They’ll keep coming for you.
Once you’ve managed to break free from your adversary, FINISH THE JOB!
- Don’t stab them once and then run away. He ain’t dead.
- If you’re gonna shoot a werewolf, empty the clip!
- If you knock a guy out, TIE HIM UP. Sit on top of him. Handcuff him. Don’t just leave.
Make sure you finish what you started. Just as you should follow through with your health and fitness, so too should you follow through with your incapacitation of the bad guy, should you get the rare opportunity to do so.
Stay alive
My goal is to help you survive through the first film, because if it’s a big hit…there’s more money and fame to be had with the sequel. You get to return as the grizzled veteran who has seen it all and done it all and leads by example.
Though, I will say I’d recommend that you turn down the third movie. It’s just a cheap cash-in and you’re better off taking your talents on Dancing with the Stars at this point. You know, to show your crossover potential.
What other tips would you have for future horror movie stars who want to survive the whole film?
Leave a comment – our team here will pick the funniest tip we see and hook them up with a Nerd Fitness shirt.
Now go have some fun tonight…just don’t eat too much sugar.
-Steve
PS – Thanks to my friends over at AOM for the heads up – I originally left out an important tip to defeating monsters: Kick ’em in the nards!
Today’s Rebel Hero: Beth F, the Tough Muddin’ Rebel!
“I am one of your new Academy recruits and just wanted to share with you this picture taken after I completed Tough Mudder UK North West with my sister on Saturday 4th October. Trained solid for 6 weeks whilst following Paleo 80/20 and really surprised myself with what my body was capable of.
Finding Nerd Fitness at the beginning of this year gave me confidence to lift, train like a beast, start Crossfit and learn to enjoy running (I used to hate it but now love running with my dog).”
Want to be the next Rebel Hero? Take a photo of you doing something epic in your Nerd Fitness gear and send it to [email protected] so we can feature you on the site!
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photo source: skeletons, pumpkin, legos, eggs, fake dead, lego zombie, killer, magnify
