It’s been a while since I’ve felt this uncomfortable.
I had an empty afternoon last week and saw Speak No Evil (trailer here), a horror/suspense film about a family who goes to visit another couple they met on vacation.
And shockingly, things don’t go as expected.
If you saw the “Dinner Party” episode of The Office where Jim and Pam go to Michael and Jan’s house for the most uncomfortable house party ever, and thought to yourself…
“What if this was a 2-hour horror movie instead?”
…that’s essentially the plot of Speak No Evil.
This movie is based on a 2022 European film of the same name, so naturally I had to watch that too. And boy, that version was even bleaker and more shocking.
This movie has some really cutting commentary on relationships, masculinity, and even parenting…
But here’s why Speak No Evil made me so uncomfortable:
This movie asks, “How many of our own boundaries are we willing to cross to keep the peace and not hurt somebody’s feelings?”
I always joke about how much of a conflict-avoidant people pleaser I am, which means this movie shook me to my core:
Which brings me to the point of today’s newsletter!
Guilt and Overcommitting
My father was raised Episcopalian (a form of Christianity), while my mother was raised Catholic. My mom always joked that the Episcopalian faith was “like Catholicism, but without the guilt!”
So we went to Episcopalian church as kids.
And despite this, I managed to get all the Catholic guilt!
I will bend over backwards to keep the peace. I’ll do whatever I can to not offend. I’ll overcommit, I’ll put myself in really frustrating situations, simply because I don’t know how to set healthy boundaries.
Long story short, I would NOT have done well in Speak No Evil.
I used to think this was just me being nice, but I came to realize that it was something different.
I was being disrespectful to myself and my own wellbeing!
Over the years, I’ve learned to establish and enforce healthier boundaries. Not just to protect myself from others, but to protect myself…from myself.
I have a hunch there are quite a few people who are reading this newsletter who are also people-pleasers, struggling with burnout, and feeling overcommitted right now.
If that’s you, I have a truth that’s hard to hear.
The Solution to Burnout isn’t a Yoga Retreat
When we feel burned out, too busy, and overwhelmed, we think the solution resides in a very specific form of self-care:
- Escape: We just need a massage or a “digital detox” or retreat.
- Achievement: We just need to work harder in the gym!
- Optimization: If only we had a more optimized schedule!
The problem is that all of these solutions treat the symptom, not the root cause.
As pointed out in Anne-Helen Peterson’s Can’t Even:
“You don’t fix burnout by going on vacation. You don’t fix it through “life hacks,” like inbox zero, or by using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or doing Sunday meal prep for the entire family, or starting a bullet journal. You don’t fix it by reading a book on how to “unfu*k yourself.”
You don’t fix it with vacation, or an adult coloring book, or “anxiety baking,” or the Pomodoro Technique, or overnight f***ing oats.”
As I share in my essay on the problems with Self-Care, the solution isn’t found in a Yoga studio or on a deserted beach, nor is it found in a journal or meditation app.
The solution requires us to have an uncomfortable conversation with ourselves.
We need to put on our own oxygen mask first before we can help others.
Boundaries Protect Against Burnout
Us people pleasers spend most of our time keeping the peace and catering to everybody else’s needs, very rarely considering our own.
This is usually how we find ourselves overcommitted, unable to do the things we want/need to do, and potentially feeling resentful of our generosity being taken for granted.
The problem?
It’s not somebody else’s responsibility to establish our boundaries.
It’s on us to establish them, explain them, and protect them.
This is where boundaries come in.
Boundaries are healthy because they allow us to actually consider our needs too. Something I never considered for a long time. I bet there are a lot of amazing moms and dads on this newsletter list who also haven’t considered their own needs in a long time.
This doesn’t mean we need to suddenly become “I AM THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS,” but rather, it means we need to address the fact that our feelings and needs are valid, and we need to take care of ourselves if we’re also going to take care of others.
As Dr. Lakshmin points out in Real Self-Care:
“To practice real self-care, you must be willing to make yourself vulnerable – whether that means having uncomfortable conversations to set boundaries or making the clear and deliberate choice to prioritize one aspect of your life over another.”
Here is your challenge for the day:
Say NO to one thing you are currently saying YES to out of obligation or guilt.
Establish this boundary for your own wellbeing and mental health.
Yep, this will require you to rely on those around you, and maybe even *GASP* potentially disappoint somebody!
Especially if they’re used to you saying yes to everything all the time.
I promise you, their reaction isn’t your responsibility to manage.
One final reminder I had to internalize: “No” is a complete sentence.
We can’t time-travel, which means the only solution to burnout is to put fewer things on our plate.
This requires us to develop boundaries to protect ourselves…from ourselves.
I’d love to hear what boundary you establish, so hit reply and let me know!
-Steve
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